By Amy Reast
A divorce coach has shared the one sign you should end your marriage as “Divorce Day” hits.
Dubbed “Divorce Day,” the first working Monday in January is said to be when law firms see a surge in divorce inquiries due to post-Christmas relationship strain.
Vanessa White, 53, has helped countless married couples navigate divorce and shared the tell-tale sign it’s time to end things.
She said a gut feeling of heaviness and loneliness is a sign that things are truly over, and divorce should be considered.
But she said there is also a common green flag – an indication that a relationship is worth fighting for.
Vanessa said feeling that you’re comfortable to sit down and work with your partner on the issues – and still feeling enough love for them to see past difficulties – is an indicator the relationship could survive, and divorce isn’t inevitable.
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The expert from Cirencester, Gloucestershire, said: “I’m a big believer that if a relationship is not healthy or meeting needs, and doesn’t make you content, you’re better not in it.
“Almost 100% of my clients get that gut feeling that things aren’t right, but they ignore it at first.
“But if fundamentally, you both want to make it work, that can come down to communication.
“If you feel like things were once good, and you’ve lost your way, but you still both like each other, you can definitely try to work on that.
“You can work on clear strategies over several months to try and get the connection back.”
Vanessa explained that early January, following the Christmas and New Year period, is typically a time where cracks can begin to show in marriages.
She said holidays can intensify the stresses in a marriage – factors including finance, gifts and spending – as well as a long periods of close proximity bringing “simmering resentments to the fore.”
The period of time can also lead to greater self-reflection, thinking about new goals, boundaries and personal growth, and assessing their own situations.
Many people find themselves looking into divorce at the first week of January as a result – with the first Monday being dubbed ‘Divorce Day’.
Vanessa said she’s seen varied forms of this throughout her career – and some of the signs that a relationship can or can’t be saved.
She said: “If somebody is feeling like they can’t do it anymore, you should slow down the process, take a pause, and make sure you’re clear on what your core issues are.
“You need to make sure you’re not taking impulsive action, because Christmas might have exacerbated those feelings.”
She said one of the signs you’re ready to pull the plug on a marriage is an ongoing feeling of “dread” and a deep-down feeling that things aren’t where they need to be.
She said: “If you feel like you’ve almost withdrawn into yourself, feel very inwards, and don’t feel like you can express your feelings or needs, that’s a clear sign that something isn’t right.
“If you’re feeling that consistently, you do need to take heed of that.
“We should be able to be authentic and honest, and we shouldn’t be afraid to speak about our feelings and needs.”
She said if that’s a decision that you make, you should handle that as kindly, sensitively and respectfully as possible.
This means not making accusations or laying blame, and being clear – don’t give false hope such as “taking a break” when you have no intention of reconciliation.
She added that you should sit them down and have that conversation without distractions – “don’t just throw it in over breakfast”.
She said: “Sometimes people create an atmosphere to make the other partner end the relationship, to avoid personally being responsible for ‘breaking up the family’.
“But if you’ve made the decision, you need to communicate it yourself.”
Alternatively, Vanessa said there may be signs of hope for a relationship which has turned sour – if you still feel love for each other and are both willing to try.
She suggested this can occur after a relationship has taken a downturn as a result of an external factor, such as someone falling ill or losing a job.
She said: “If, fundamentally you had a good relationship, there is scope to get back to a good healthy dynamic.
“You’ll need to look at the cracks and put some clear strategies into action to make the effort.
“That could be improving communication, bringing in a professional, or even going to a GP if the issues are around physical intimacy, such as erectile dysfunction.
“It’s all about communication to begin with – give your partner the opportunity to make an effort. Tell them what you miss and what you can do more of.”
